


Pairing the Spares

by RedgrenGrumboldt



Series: Weird Sisters [3]
Category: Hey Arnold!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Comedy, Hijinks, Maybe even a antic or two, Multi, Romance, Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-14 14:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18478318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedgrenGrumboldt/pseuds/RedgrenGrumboldt
Summary: Love makes you crazy, and they don't come crazier than Curly. But when Rhonda makes it clear that there is no hope for them, will it send him further around the bend? Or will he find someone who knows exactly what he's going through?





	1. Chapter 1

What Has Gone Before:

Everything up to and including the Jungle Movie is canon. During the events of that movie, Rhonda, Helga, and Phoebe were infected with extraterrestrial spores that caused them to mutate into powerful hybrid lifeforms. After a series of events which are mostly irrelevant to this story (during which Lila was also mutated), the girls regained the ability to look human, and resumed fairly normal lives, though they still maintain side careers as mutant superheroines. These events are all chronicled in my series Body Issues.

It is now freshman year of high school. Since the end of Body Issues, the Patakis have divorced but remain amicable. Bob Pataki is now a partner in an internet startup selling appliances. Miriam, who had gotten clean and moved into the Sunset Arms with Helga, works at Budnicks as a sales associate. Lila's father has married the former Suzie Kakoshka. Rhonda now has a little sister named Rhia. And Helga is still unaware that she may be the earthly incarnation of Xothipacla, the Green Eyes' love goddess, but that's not important right now.

What is important is that during the events of that story, Rhonda learned that Nadine had had feelings for her, and realized that she returned them. The two have been a steady couple ever since.

But what does that mean for a certain rather unstable young boy who's had a crush on the young aristocrat ever since fourth grade? Let's find out!  
\--  
Pairing the Spares

Chapter 1: We Have To Talk

Midtown Hillwood

-CURLY-

Love. It makes you crazy. Believe me when I say that.

I know this one girl? She used to pull all sorts of crazy stunts just to be near the one she loved. Of course, none of them actually worked. But, wouldn't you know it? She ended up with her sweetheart anyway. It's the kinda thing that gives you hope.

Now, me? I fell for this one really classy dame. Beautiful, too. Like, she could be a model beautiful. Tall girl, raven hair, classic features, amazing sense of style. Trouble is, she was outta my league and I knew it.

Now, I ain't a bad guy. Sure, maybe this one time I framed a kid for pulling the fire alarm and nearly got him expelled, which may have been a bit of an overreaction to him chewing up my pencil. And sure, there was that time I locked myself in the principal's office and bombarded everyone with dodgeballs. And there was that time I broke into a zoo and freed the animals, and that time I bit the head off a live chicken, and that time I dressed up as a human fly and climbed the outside of the school and pelted the fifth graders with eggs… but I ain't a bad guy.

I just… get kinda crazy around this broad. Sniffin' her hair, stealin' her used Q-Tips, talkin' like a 30's movie gangster… that kinda thing.

The thing is… I already lost her years ago.

I see them together all the time. In the school halls, at the park, the movies, restaurants. She's a really nice girl, real down-to-Earth, smart, prettier than most people give her credit for. I knew it was real when I saw them at the Hillwood Arboretum together, and this spider lands right on my girl's nose. Now, my girl has a crazy spider phobia. Can't be in the same room with one. And here's one touching her… and this girl she's with, she just squeezes her hand and whispers softly to her, and it's like all her fears melt away. And she just raises her hand to her nose, lets the spider walk on to it, and sets it down on a tree like it's nothing.

That's love, right there. Love is so strong it can make you at peace with your worst fear.

Now, seein' something like that shoulda been my cue to move on, give up, stop bein' a sap for the one girl. After all, what kinda girl could be so special that a fella pines after her long after she's lost?

Rhonda Wellington Lloyd. That's the kinda girl.

Now, it ain't like she's perfect, understand. She's kinda vain, gossipy, pushy, conceited…. But she cops to her shortcomings, and actively works on them. And she's got a lot going for her too… she's generous, clever, creative, helpful, determined, courageous, and a great dancer.

And that's just the surface stuff. If you knew what I knew about her, you'd know why could never give up on someone like her.

But she was taken. To get her attention, I would have to crank it up. Turn the crazy meter up to 9001.

Which brings us to where I am now. Standing atop a billboard, dressed in a tuxedo, top hat, cape, and Guy Fawkes mask, carrying a giant paintbrush and preparing to paint a huge mustache on the billboard for the upcoming Abdicator reboot.

It's entirely possible I ripped off this whole scheme from an old Daffy Duck cartoon.

"Curly…. Thad… this has to stop."

Ah… she had arrived.

I turned to behold her radiance. Now, when some girls are called "two-faced", that's meant to be a bad thing. A disparagement of their duplicitous, dishonest natures. Not my Rhonda. Rhonda literally has two faces. Not at the same time, of course. That would be weird. Probably kinda hot, but weird.

There was the face she showed most of the time, lovely enough on its own. Then there was the other face. The face she showed now. The mauve-skinned, pointy-eared, horned, fanged face of the alien hybrid she truly was.

She hung in front of me, upper arms crossed over her chest and lower hands on hips in disapproval, her large batlike wings flapping slowly to keep her aloft, her tail idly swishing behind her. Her perfect fashion model's body, a gift from her mother, was clad in a form-hugging red-and-navy costume with golden lightning trim. A mirrored silver-black visor concealed her three glowing amber eyes from view. I knew if I could see them, they would be focused on me in a gaze of displeasure.

"Curses!" I declared. "You have foiled my dastardly scheme again, Joule! Now I escape, to hatch an even dastardlier scheme! Bwah-hahahahaha!"

"Yeah, yeah… curses, foiled again, whatever. If you wanted to actually commit any crimes, you wouldn't keep sending me clues."

"You mean fiendishly clever riddles, don't you?"

She sighed, rubbing the bridge of that lovely button nose in irritation. "Your latest 'fiendishly clever riddle' was literally just a 3x5" index card with 'I'm painting a giant mustache on the Abdicator billboard at 10PM. Stop me if you dare.' Edward Nygma, you are not."

"Well, perhaps this was not up to my usual standards, but rest assured that the next-"

"Stop, just stop! Look, I know this is some kind of game to you, but it isn't for me! All the time I waste trying to keep you out of trouble is time I could be using to help people! People who actually need my help! One of these days, it's going to be between you and a real emergency, and that's something you're not going to win. You're going to bite off more than you can chew, and you're going to get yourself arrested, or worse, you'll get someone hurt. Or yourself. And I won't be there to stop it. Is that something you want?"

My cheeks burned. "So that's all I am to you, Rhonda? A waste of time?"

She groaned. "Curly, all I want here is to be your friend, okay? And part of that means that, when I see you engaging in this kind of self-destructive behavior, just to get my attention, it makes me worried for you." She slid her visor off. I could see her eyes now. They weren't disapproving, just concerned. "Curly… please… go back on your meds."

"I keep telling you, I don't need them!"

"…he says, while dressed like V for Vendetta atop a billboard. Look… just come down from there with me, okay? I'll take you home, then, tomorrow, we'll go somewhere, grab lunch, and we'll talk. We have to settle this whole thing once and for all."

I looked into her eyes. I could see this really was paining her. Maybe it was working. Maybe her concern would finally blossom into love.

"Okay… tomorrow, then."  
\--  
The Next Day

"A Little Bit of Seoul" noodle shop, Downtown Hillwood

"This doesn't seem like your usual kind of place," I said to Rhonda. "A Little Bit of Seoul" was a tiny little hole-in-the-wall establishment squeezed between Zamboni's psychic shop and a wig store. It had only three tables, smelled pungently of garlic and ginger, and was decidedly un-glamorous.

She wore her everyday face and body now, less exotic though no less beautiful. She wore black capris and a sleeveless, scoop-necked candy-apple-red top with matching boots. Red and black have always been her colors. She was trying this new feathered shoulder-length hairdo and it really accented the shape of her face. It was hard not to stare.

Me…. I like to think I'm somewhat more presentable than I was in my bowl-cut, coke-bottle days. I started going to an actual barber, got some frames that flatter my features, started dressing better, and when acne reared its ugly head, got an expensive dermatologist to take care of it. I wasn't exactly going to turn her head looking like I was, after all.

"Park took me here while we were paired on that family tree project. I found out we shared a great-grandmother and wanted to know more about the Korean side of my heritage, and this was part of the whole tour." She took a sip of her bubble tea. "How's your ramyeon?"

"Pretty good."

Rhonda had ordered some kind of spicy seafood-and-noodle concoction, but it wasn't ready yet. "I take Nadine here all the time. The food's good, and the prices are pretty cheap. She really doesn't go in for fancy places, you know?"

Five minutes in and Rhonda was already waxing wistful about her girlfriend. This wasn't exactly how you started a conversation where you reveal that you've broken up with her and you've secretly always loved me and we should run off and get married, was it?

"So… you guys are still happy together, huh?"

"Oh, you don't know the half of it, Thad. A few weekends ago, we actually went camping! Can you even imagine? Me? Camping? Outdoors? With all the dirt? By choice? But… it turned out it was actually fun and we're actually planning on doing it again! And last week, she got me to play some video game called Underlook… I'm utterly hopeless at those things, had no idea what I was doing, of course, and I died a million times, but it was just nice because we were doing it together."

"So… you're not going to break up with her?"

"Of course not, why would I do-" She paused. "Thad, what do you think this is about?"

I rubbed the back of my neck, embarrassed. Poor dumb Thad. You actually thought that she was going to dump her girlfriend of three years for you. Poor dumb Thad. This is real life. In real life, the Princess doesn't kiss the toad.

Thad. It even sounds like toad.

"I… I don't know what I thought this was about," I admitted.

"Look… you're a good guy, all right? You're smart, funny, creative, you certainly don't shy away from letting everyone know who you are."

"But that's not enough to win you," I said.

She sighed. "Look… we've been over this. The problem here isn't that you're not good enough to 'win' me. The problem is you think you can."

"So you're saying I'm not good enough for you?" I asked, a bit resentfully.

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all! Look…. Remember that night back in seventh grade? The one where you asked me to the fall dance?"

Of course. That night. The night I begged for her heart… and, well… I learned she'd already given it away.

"How could I forget," I deadpanned bitterly.

"Look, it wasn't about hurting you," she said. "I just needed you to know that I wasn't an option. That you had to move on."  
\--  
FLASHBACK

Mid-November, 7th Grade

-RHONDA-

I was feeling on top of the world. The Fall Dance was coming up, and for the first time, I would have a real date. Nadine and I had decided that, after nearly a year of keeping it on the downlow, we were going to throw caution to the wind and show the world we were a couple.

There was nervousness – whether we would be accepted was a crapshoot, even in as tolerant a community as Hillwood – but there was also a sense of anticipation that finally, we would be out in the open.

It was a lovely moonlit evening. Inga, our nanny (Helga had recommended her very highly) had put Rhia down for the night and she was finally at the age where she wasn't waking up every fifteen minutes. Which worked out very well for me. I preferred to sleep in my natural alien form, and with Rhia sleeping through the night, there was less chance of me absent-mindedly stumbling into her nursery to comfort her, only to have her traumatized because she doesn't associate Alien Rhonda with Big Sister Rhonda yet. Yes, that is something that has happened on more than one occasion.

It was late, and I was brushing out my hair for the night after my shower. At the time, I'd still been wearing my hair long after it had grown out during my metamorphosis, but brushing all that hair every night was getting to be a chore, and I'd made an appointment with the salon to get it cut before the dance. Luckily it didn't stay invulnerable when I was in my human form.

It was then that the commotion started. Something in the garden outside was screaming. I hastily shifted back to human – no sense in letting some intruder know that a super-heroine lived here – and ran to the window to look out.

I'm not sure what I was expecting to see, but it definitely wasn't Curly, dressed in a Mariachi outfit, trying to strum a guitar and serenade me while riding a very uncooperative billy goat (it had been the latter doing the screaming)

"Curly," I said, "Is there a reason you're trespassing in our garden and torturing that poor goat? Because you really should give it to me now before my dad calls the cops."

"Hold on," he said, strumming the guitar. "Just gotta find the right chord… ah!"

He began to sing.

"Sí, sabes que ya llevo un rato mirándote  
Tengo que bailar contigo hoy  
Vi que tu mirada ya estaba llamándome  
Muéstrame el camino que yo voy

Tú, tú eres el imán y yo soy el metal  
Me voy acercando y voy armando el plan  
Solo con pensarlo se acelera el pulso

Ya, ya me está gustando más de lo normal  
Todos mis sentidos van pidiendo más  
Esto hay que tomarlo sin ningún apuro"

"Stop!" I demanded.

"Yes, my turtledove?"

"Okay, first, do you even know what those lyrics mean in English? It's not nearly as romantic as it sounds. Second, you're gonna wake Rhia. And third… I reiterate… why are you here and why are you dragging that poor animal into it?"

"Oh, my love…. First, I have heroically liberated this goat from a stockyard supplying Jamaican restaurants. Second… I have come to you this night to ask that you do me the honor of accompanying me to the Fall Dance this Saturday. And I knew that if I was to win your heart,"

"Hearts," she corrected.

"… I would have to do it in style." He resumed singing.

"Despacito  
Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito  
Deja que te diga cosas al oído  
Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo…"

It was at this point the goat decided he'd had enough and threw him off, wandering away to gorge himself on Mom's prize rosebushes. I stifled a giggle; I give Curly this much; he does manage to make me laugh.

He scrambled back to his feet, attempting to recover his dignity. "So, whaddaya say, toots? Shall we make it a night to remember?"

He was just so earnest, it was going to be really hard to let him down, but it was necessary. I ad to let him know that I just wasn't in the cards for him.

"Curly… this has all been really sweet, in a kind of insane way, but… I already have a date for the dance. I've had one for a long time."

"What? Who is this foul knave? I'll give him what for!"

"It's not a him. I'm going with Nadine."

"Oh, my darling…. It's okay. You don't have to go stag with your best friend! I'm sure we can find her a date if we try-"

"She has a date! Me! I'm her date!"

"Rhonda, baby, what are you saying?"

"Let me spell it out for you… Nadine. Is. My. Girlfriend."

Oh, crap. That came out a lot harsher than I intended. Well… it had to be said. It's better to rip the band-aid off. Now he knows that he has to stop chasing me.

"How long."

"Since just after the Christmas party. She was there at my lowest, when I needed her most, and I realized that if there was anyone I've always loved, it was her. Most of the others already know about us, but I… I kinda didn't know how to tell you. When you don't get what you want, you tend to get a little…"

"…crazy?" He said. "Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet!"

Ugh…. I knew I should have told him sooner. There was no telling what he could do now. Okay…. What would Arnold do? He's been able to talk him down before. Maybe… if I handle this like he would, I can get him to calm down, maybe not do anything drastic… Right! I'll talk up the upside of the situation! Build up his confidence! Show him that being rejected by me isn't the end of the world!

"Look, this is an opportunity for you, okay? Now that I'm off the table, you can move on with your life. There's lots of fish in the sea. I'm pretty sure Jenny Paterson isn't seeing anybody. Or Nancy Yang. Oooh… how about Katrinka? Have you seen her since she got her braces off? Va-va-voom, am I right?

"Oh, no. I'm not giving up that easily. You said you're bisexual, right? That means I've still got a shot!"

"Curly, please… You can keep living in denial, or you can let go of me and find someone else. Someone who can make you as happy as Nadine makes me."

He seemed to mull this for a moment, and I hoped that just maybe I had managed to get through to him.

"I choose… DENIAL!" he declared. "Just you wait, my love… I shall prove I am worthy of your attention the only way I know how!" Cackling madly, he ran off, into the night.

I had unleashed a monster.  
\--  
Saturday Night, Vikstein Middle School

The chauffeur let us out at the curb in front of the school. I stepped out first, in a red top, black skirt and matching pump, and some pearls I'd "borrowed" from mom. I extended a hand and helped Nadine out. She was absolutely stunning in a seafoam-green dress we'd found for her at the mall last weekend, her braids in a finely-crafted updo.

"Well, this is it," she said. "The moment of truth."

"It's going to be okay," I said. "Pretty much everyone who matters already knows about us and accepts us. I thought Harold was gonna be the tough one, but Patty managed to spell it out for him. Puppets were involved."

Nadine giggled. "You're joking about the puppets, right?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. What's life without a little mystery?"

I held her hand as we entered the school auditorium, both of us unaware we were holding our breaths waiting for everything to go south. We weren't looking to make a scene of ourselves, or make a statement… we just wanted to be together as a couple in public, like any other couple.

We were ready for any reaction… except no reaction at all.

"Nobody's even looking," whispered Nadine.

"That's good, though, right?" I whispered back. "That means they just see this as normal now."

"Hey, Princess! Insect Queen!" a familiar voice shouted. "Nice of you two to finally show up." Helga approached, on Arnold's arm, in an uncharacteristic pink gown and, of all things, a tiara.

"Hellcat," I shot back. "I guess you can clean up nicely when you want to."

"Watch it, Rondaloid. Ol' Betsy's on a hair trigger," Helga retorted, grinning. "Nah, but seriously, you guys look great."

"Thanks," I said. "I didn't think anyone noticed.

"It's Junior High. Everyone's all caught up in their own drama to notice you two guys being in lesbians with each other. But hey… if anyone does give you any crap, give me a call. I'll give them an attitude adjustment the hard way."

"Helga…" chided Arnold.

"With words, Arnold, with words!" clarified Helga. "With fists…" she whispered to us.

An upbeat Dino Spumoni number started up. "Well, Nadine… shall we?"

"Let's school these fools," she answered as we glided onto the dance-floor.

Suddenly, the music stopped as quickly as it had started. A distorted voice came over the loudspeaker.

"STUDENTS AND FACULTY OF VIKSTEIN MIDDLE SCHOOL!" it declared. "I AM LORD HEARTBREAK, AND I SPEAK FOR ALL THOSE WO HAVE HAD THEIR DREAMS SHATTERED! JUST AS THE FLAMES OF MY PASSION HAVE BEEN SNUFFED OUT BY THE REJECTION OF A COLD HEART…. ALL OF YOU KNOW SHALL FEEL JUST AS I DID!"

"What on Earth is going on h-" Principal Lundqvist began, but he was suddenly cut off as all the auditorium's vents burst open, filling the room with flame-retardant foam.

"Curly…" I muttered, wiping the foam out of my eyes.  
\--  
-CURLY-

"…so, what happened to the goat?" I asked, trying to lighten the heavy mood.

"Well, after I convinced Mom not to murder it, we had it donated to the Tina Park petting zoo. But that's getting away from the point. The point is, that's where this whole thing started. First, there was that stunt you pulled at the dance."

"I didn't hurt anyone!"

"Maybe not, but rigging all the vents to spray fire-extinguisher foam could have gone a lot worse. You only avoided getting expelled because you agreed to go to therapy and they put you on meds. And you were okay… for a while. You even started seeing Katrinka, until she moved. And then… I don't know what it was that set you off, whether it was her leaving or something else, but you suddenly stopped taking your medication again, and started pulling more, crazier stunts in some kind of effort to, what, Catwoman me? Did you really think that would work?"

"I… I don't know," I admitted. "I… I guess I thought that maybe… I could eventually 'reform' and we could be partners, and y'know, win your love…"

"See… that's the problem. You think you can win my love. That, somehow, you can do something that'll obligate me to love you. I'm telling you now; that's not how any of this works. Love isn't a prize. It's a gift. And it's my choice who I give that gift to."

I… couldn't respond to that. My tongue felt like it had swollen up, but it wasn't a reaction to the soy, it was a reaction to her final, definitive rejection of my efforts.

"Look," she said. "I'm not saying all this to be mean, okay? I'm just… look, you're a nice guy, most of the time… and I care about you, as a friend…" The word 'friend' felt like an icy dagger in my heart.

"It's fine," I said. "I get your message loud and clear."

"Good," she said, relaxing. "I'm really glad we could get this out of the way. Now maybe you can start-"

"And don't worry, I've got lunch," I said, leaving a twenty on the table.

"You really don't-"

"It's the least I could do for a 'friend'" I said, exiting the shop.

Oh, I'd gotten the message, all right.

The message was, I wasn't trying hard enough.

She would see, soon enough. I was going to pull a stunt that would make all the others pale in comparison.

I just had to think of it.


	2. An Even Dastardler Scheme!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Curly finds a new partner in crime.

Chapter 2

An Even Dastardlier Scheme!

Vine Street

-CURLY-

So, that's about the size of it. My dame, Rhonda Lloyd, part-time superhero and full-time beauty, had just dumped me. Okay, so, technically, we would've had to have been a couple for her to dump me, but does it really make a difference? My heart's in the same place, ripped out of my chest and flung into the trash like a wad of used tissues in flu season.

Now, most folks would take this as a sign that our love was not meant to be, but I ain't most folks. I ain't the kind to let facts like "the only reason she ever dated me in the first place was because I was blackmailing her" or "she's been in a happy relationship for three years" discourage me. If I was, I'd've given up ages ago. I certainly wouldn't be playing this crazy game of trying to be her own personal "supervillain."

Don't get me wrong. I ain't out to hurt nobody. I'm not that kind of guy. The chaos I create has a purpose. It's to attract the attention of Joule, Rhonda's secret identity and easily the most gorgeous superhero in town. Sure, Decibelle's got the cute girl-next door appeal, and Temper's got an unconventional kinda rough beauty, and Magnetica's not a slouch, but they can't compare, not at all.

[A.N.: Lila, Helga, and Phoebe's superhero identities, respectively.]

Unfortunately, she didn't find this game quite as charming as I hoped she would. And so, today, she told me, in no uncertain terms, to cut it out, because it was never, ever going to work, and that I should go back on my meds because they make me more "rational" or some nonsense like that.

I guess she just doesn't know me very well. When people tell me "no", all it makes me wanna do is show them how wrong they are. I just knew there was some kind of crazy scheme that would win her heart. It all just had to come together. All I knew right now, for certain, was that Phase 1 involved the acquisition of 40 pounds of raw meat. And there was one place in town where I could acquire that much meat.

The bell dinged as I entered Green Meats. It was a weekend, so Harold Berman was manning the counter. He'd dropped some belly fat over the years, but he was still massive for a freshman (mostly because he was three or four years older than everyone else). Whereas I'm still not exactly a prime specimen of physical development. I'm short, slim, and built more for grace than power. Except, of course, for my leg muscles. Five years of ballet will do that. Big brute like that, little guy like me, you'd think I'd be intimidated by the likes of him, but the truth is Harold's just a big ol' softy. He's like a bulldog, scary on the outside but really nothing to be afraid of.

"Oh, hey Curly," he said wiping down the counter.

"Hello, old friend," I said, maybe a bit too pretentiously. A well, what is life if you can't be a bit theatrical? "I shall be requiring forty pounds of ground chuck, good sir!"

"…okay… that's kind of a weird way to ask for it, but a sale's a sale. So, what, s your dad having some kind of big barbecue or somethin'…"

"One might say a big event is in the planning stages… oh yes, it shall be a big event indeed. Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh…" Was I rubbing my hands together menacingly? Hmm. I suppose I was. Maybe I should watch that…

"Pssshhh… whatever, weirdo," he mumbled, stepping away from the counter to check the back room.

Yes… Phase 1 was underway, barring any complications. To the naked observer, it simply looked like I was placing a large meat order. And that's exactly what I was doing. No one need suspect any further motivations.

The front doorbell dingled again while I was waiting, and someone pushed me aside rudely. I turned to give them a piece of my mind when I realized the person was the one I would have suspected the least of doing any such thing.

Sheena Kacjynszki was more than just the school record holder for the longest unbroken string of consonants in a last name (though technically the y shouldn't count), she was also the record holder for kindness and nice-osity. President of the ecology club back in junior high, a lifetime vegan, and always the first to volunteer for any social cause. So what the heck was she doing in a business establishment dedicated to hacking up living creatures and serving them as food? Unless this was some kind of protest… but then, why would she be the only one here?

"Service!" she demanded, ringing the bell. "Service!" Curiouser and curiouser. Was this the place where she bought blood to splash on people wearing fur? I thought they used red paint for that.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm comin'" whined Harold. "So what do you w- Sheena? You never come in here! You're like, a vegomatic or something!"

"Vegan," she corrected, "and well, that was back when I believed in things. Now, are you gonna get me a hot dog, or what?"

"Whoa, hey," I said. "Something really bad must've happened to you to want to assault your insides with minced pig fragments!"

"Oh," she said, noticing me for the first time. "Thaddeus. Hello. I'm sorry I shoved you." She shook her head. "No… no, I'm not sorry at all! Clearly, being nice all this time has been a complete waste! Leichleiter was right all along. Nice guys do finish last!"

"Look… clearly, something has happened to you," I said. "Something devastating. Something that has shaken your beliefs to their very core. Something that's made you question everything you hold dear."

"I don't wanna talk about it," demurred Sheena.

"Telling someone might help you feel better..." I suggested. I hadn't exactly planned to play Arnold here, but Sheena's crisis was putting a serious kink in my timetable and if I wanted to move things along, I had to get her problem out of the way.

She sighed deeply. "It won't, but fine. I, uh… I was with Eugene this morning for our usual walk in the park… it was a nice one too, he only got injured three times. Anyway, we sat down for a while, and… " She was starting to tear up.

"Yes?" I prompted.

"He… *snif* he told me… he told me he met someone…."

"So?" Harold said a bit dismissively. "It's not like you guys were dating or anything…"

Or ever were going to, I mentally added. Eugene Horowitz's sexual orientation was about the worst-kept secret in South Hillwood High. Pretty much everyone knew that Eugeena was never even remotely going to be a thing,

"I know we weren't, but… I always thought we would, someday. Sure, he was kinda shy around, me, but it felt like we had this deep connection. And then, outta nowhere, he tells me that he's going out… with Scott Morgan from drama class!"

"Oh… oh my god, really?" interjected Harold, feigning surprise really badly. Well… apparently everyone but Sheena knew.

"Yes. So, apparently, everything I ever believed is a lie. So what's the point in believing in anything?"

So that was the problem, huh? Her hopes for a relationship had been dashed, and now it's making her act out.

"Sheena… it sounds to me like Eugene's someone you care a lot about."

"Of course. I think I've been in love with him since first grade, if I really think about it."

"And you thought he felt the same way about you?"

"Well… I guess… I mean, I always thought so… I mean… he never really said he didn't…"

"So…. You didn't really know?"

"I… I guess I didn't…" Sheena suddenly seemed a lot less sure of her and Eugene's "soul mate" status than she did five minutes ago. "But… we seemed to connect so well! We loved so many of the same things… we spent so much time together…" She paused for a moment. "I guess… in my mind, I kind of turned it into something it wasn't."

"Okay," I said. "Think about this… what do you want for Eugene? I mean, deep down, what do you really want for him?"

"I, well… I guess what I want… is for him to be happy."

"Okay, now… do you think forcing himself to be with you to make you happy would make him happy?"

She paused to think about it. "No," she admitted. "I'd be making him live a lie."

"Exactly. And I don't think that'd make you happy either, not in the long run." Wow. This Arnolding stuff is easier than I thought it was.

"No…. I guess not," she agreed. "God, what am I doing?" she realized. "I was about to kill a ten-year record of vegetarianism all because I was upset about a guy! I'm ridiculous…"

"Hey, we all have lapses in judgement," I said. "Take it from the guy who's pretty much the poster boy for lapses in judgement."

She giggled, and I have not noticed how cute her giggle is until now.

"So, wait, I'm confused," Harold said. "Do you want a hot dog or not?"

"Sorry for making you waste your time, Harold. I think I'm gonna go find Eugene and tell him that I'm happy for him." She dashed out of the butcher shop, clearly not wanting to spend a minute more than necessary surrounded by dead animal flesh.

"So, that was weird," Harold commented.

"Yeah, I'm glad I was able to help her," I said. "It's stupid to keep obsessing over someone who clearly has no attraction whatsoever to you." I turned back toward him. "Now, about that forty pounds of meat… I'd like to pay for about half of that with this gift card, and half in cash…"  
\--  
I'd secured the meat. Now, it was on to phase two…

That night, I smeared my face with orange and brown greasepaint. It seemed appropriate, given where my plan was headed.

I packed five pounds of the meat in my backpack (I didn't need all of it now… five pounds would be enough for this phase of my plan. I jumped on my bike and made for the Hillwood Zoo.

Gaining entry was easy. I spent a lot of my time here (usually in disguise; the keepers were already savvy to my repeated shenanigans), and I knew all the ins and outs. Especially the ins. They've never been able to keep me out.

The easiest access point was a tree that grew near enough to the north wall for me to make the jump from its branches. I shimmied down the other side using the rope I brought, then made my way to the tiger habitat.

Now it was on to phase three: Gain his trust. Make him my minion.

I tiptoed my way to the enclosure. I knew the night guard's patrol schedule by heart, so I had plenty of time to make my move. The tiger was dozing, though not quite asleep. I whistled to get his attention, then threw him a hunk of meat. He sniffed the air. "That's it…" I said… "It's for you. You can trust me…"

"What're you doing?"

I froze. For once, I had not sent Rhonda any clues to my activities. I didn't want her interrupting until it was the right time. So I hadn't expected anyone to interrupt me.

I expected her to interrupt me least of all.

"Sheena?"

"Hi. So… it went really well with Eugene, so I came by your house to thank you for your advice when I saw you biking away, dressed all in black, painted with tiger stripes, and carrying a huge backpack, and I thought to myself 'why would he be doing something like that?'"

"So… you followed me."

"A little, yeah. I saw how you got in, so I followed you and, well… here you are throwing meat to a tiger after hours."

"It may appear that way to the naked eye, but what I'm really doing is gaining his trust. Soon, he will acknowledge me as his master, and I will have a willing, pardon the pun, catspaw to do my bidding?"

"Uh huh," she said. "And then what?"

"And then, I…" Oh, crap, she's right. And then what? I hadn't actually thought out that far ahead. "I, uh… actually… I've been kind of making this up as I go along."

"Is that so," she said, a slight smirk on her face.

"…jeez, what am I doing?" I asked rhetorically, plopping down against the habitat barrier. "Why did I think this was a good idea?"

Sheena slid down next to me. Here, in the moonlight, I was struck by just how pretty she was. Not in Rhonda's flashy elegant way, or Lila's wholesome cornfed way, or even in Helga's I-dare-you-to-call-me-pretty way, but in her own earthy, unpretentious way. "Is it a Rhonda thing?" she asked, cutting straight to the point of the matter.

"Of course n- no, no, no, why w- what would make you say that?" I sputtered in response.

"Everybody knows you've been nuts about her forever," she replied. "And, well… these crazy stunts you always pull started around the time she and Nadine went public as a couple, and stopped while you were with Katrinka, and started up again after she moved."

"How do you even know about the stunts?" I asked.

"Well, Rhonda and I are in drama together, and, you know, we girls do talk… and since I'm the only girl in the class who knows about her 'secret' career, we talk about that."

"Oh," I said, grateful my facepaint was hiding the read burn of humiliation.

"Hey, I'd actually be pretty flattered if a guy went through all that to get my attention," she assured.

"Yeah, well, unfortunately she isn't." I said.

"Yeah… I guess she's really happy with Nadine, isn't she…"

"I guess so…" I said.

"Y'know… some really smart guy told me that when you care a lot for someone, you should want to see them happy, even if it's not with you. "

I started to retort. Stopped. Tried to start again. Stopped again. Paused to think, tried to think up a denial, failed, sat there like an idiot for a second, then proceeded anyway, even as I was aware I was digging a hole for myself. "My situation is completely different."

"Really," Sheena answered with a smirk. "Tell me. How is your situation of the girl you had a crush on for years finding love with another girl different from my situation, which involves a guy I had a crush on for years finding happiness with another guy. Go on. This should be good. I kind of wish the popcorn guy was still around, because if anything calls for popcorn…"

"Well, um… I… that is… it's like… okay, fine, so we're in exactly the same kind of situation!" I huffed. "So, this really smart guy you're talking about can't possibly be me, because, clearly, I'm an idiot!"

"No…" She patted me on the shoulder, "just seriously in need of perspective. You were able to give me a good dose, I figured I should just return the favor."

I chuckled a bit. "Kinda pathetic, isn't it? Hung up on someone for this long?"

"A little, yeah," she agreed. "But hey… once we get past that… there's a new world of options out there for us."

"I guess you could look at things like th-"

"Hey! You two!" A light suddenly shone in the darkness, seeking us. "That better not be you, Gammelthorpe! Permanently banned means permanently banned!"

"Oh, s***," I whispered. "I forgot about the guard! We better cheese it!"

We made a run for the wall, where I'd left the climbing rope attached for my getaway. The two of hurriedly scaled the rope, the guard hot on our heels, out of shape as he was. Once up, we yanked the rope up after us, preventing him from chasing us any further.

"Yeah… you better run!" he finally declared, acknowledging he'd lost.

We shimmied back down the tree, adrenaline high still in effect.

"That… was amazing," gasped Sheena. "I've never 'cheesed it' before. It's kind of a rush."

"Yeah, it'll do that," I agreed. "But I think that's enough excitement for ton-" I was interrupted suddenly by Sheena suddenly grabbing my shoulders, pulling me forward, and pressing her lips up against mine. It was quick, but intense. And, suddenly… I realized that one of those options we'd talked about was right here.

"…sorry," she said. "Adrenaline."

I snickered a bit. Some of my facepaint had rubbed off on her.

"What?" she asked?

"Nothing, 'Tiger',"

"Tiger? Wha-" She checked herself in a nearby car mirror. "Oh…"

"It's fine, that all-night diner is nearby, we can wash you off th-

"No, I kinda like it," she said. "I hear tiger facepaint is all the rage in Paris."

"It does bring out your eyes."

"Maybe I should keep the look, then," she joked. "You do seem to like fashion-forward girls."

I gazed up at her. "So… I… guess I'm not the only one who's feeling something here, huh?"

"No," she answered. "I'm definitely feeling it too. Maybe… we should test it out. This Saturday night, maybe?

"Sure," I said. "So, like… dinner, a movie-"

"We could do that," she said. "But tonight was really exciting. So, I propose we try something else. Something I think you'd find a lot more fitting."

"Oh?" I asked, intrigued. "Like what?"

"Like… freeing the animals."

"I'm listening…"  
\--  
The following Saturday Night

Chez Paris

The Maître D' looked up snootily at the approaching couple. "Yes, can I 'elp you, Monsieur et Madame…"

"Yes, my lovely wife and I have a reservation?" the male half of the couple, a short, slim man with dark hair and a bushy mustache, wearing a monocle, top had, and waistcoat, replied. He looked up at his wife, a tall woman with long brown hair, wearing an elegant gown and expensive-looking jewelry, looking around the establishment with an expression of studied boredom.

"Ah, yes," the Maître D' replied cordially, looking at his list. "Party for two, Lord and Lady…" The cordiality instantly vanished. "Largebottom?" he asked skeptically.

"It's pronounced 'Lar-zhey-bow-TOWn" the male snapped, irritatedly.

"Ah, of course, 'ow could I possibly make such a mistake," the Maître D' responded sarcastically. "'Ere I thought zis was an obvious prank, and 'zat I was dealing with a couple of teenagers. 'Ow silly of me. And, clearly, zis moustache, which clearly does not match your 'air color, is not a fake and will not come off when I yank it like so!" His hand darted forward and yanked on Lord Largebottom's moustache.

"Ow!" the lord yelped in pain.

"Oh, terribly sorry, M'sieu Lord 'Lar-zhey-bow-TOWn'…" he sarcastically emphasized the odd pronunciation, "Clearly I misjudged HOW MUCH GLUE YOU USED!" He yanked again, even harder.

"Cease this at once!" Lady Largebottom interrupted, slapping the Maître D's hand. "It so happens that my husband has a rare case of albinism that only affects his moustache. Frankly, we do not deserve this horrible treatment, and we shall take our business elsewhere."

"Oh, we shall be doing more than that, my dear," Lord Largebottom declared angrily. "Rest assured I shall be calling my lawyer, and we shall be suing this establishment for every penny it's worth!"

The Maître D' was taken aback. "No!" he pleaded. "You… you do not need to do zis!"

"Oh, yes, I'm afraid I do indeed," the lord insisted. "Such shoddy treatment shall not go unpunished, I assure you!"

"Non, non, M'sieu, per'aps… per'aps we can work something out? Say… over tonight's meal, which shall, of course, be complimentary?"

"Well… I have heard that the lobster thermidor here is exquisite," Lady Largebottom replied.

"Ah, yes, ze lobster sermidor… ze most expensive item we offer… yes, we would be glad to prepare such a meal for you, mademoiselle…"

"Well, then, perhaps we shall consider – good lord, what are those two doing?" he exclaimed, pointing to two figures, one short, one tall, dressed all in black and wearing rubber horse masks, stealing lobsters out of the tank near the kitchen.

"What?" the Maître D' demanded. "You two! Stop zis at once!"

"They're onto us!" the shorter one announced.

"Just one left!" the taller one, who had a squeaky, feminine voice answered. "Okay, that's all of them, let's run for it!" She shouldered the garbage bag she'd loaded the lobsters into and the two made a mad dash for the kitchen.

"Stop 'zem! Zey 'ave stolen ze lobsters!" demanded the Maitre D'. The kitchen staff, confused, tried to catch the two intruders, but the shorter of the two spilled a huge pot of bouillabaisse, tripping them up, and the two escaped through the back door.

"Sacre Bleu… I bet zis kind of thing never 'appens at Chez Pierre," the irritated man grumbled. He turned back to the couple he'd been dealing with. "I am sorry… it appears lobster is off ze menu tonight. Per'aps a nice duck a l'orange instead?"  
\--  
Some time later, Hillwood waterfront

-CURLY-

Having lost the heat and shed our disguises, the two of us made our way to the docks and released our haul into Povenmire Sound.

"Thad?" she began.

"Yes, Sheena?"

"I really hope those weren't freshwater lobsters."

"Me too," I agreed. "Wait, is there such a thing?"

"I'm not sure," she said. "I was thinking of taking marine biology in college, but that's still a log way away. Let's, uh… let's pretend there isn't."

"Works for me," I said. "So… how about tomorrow, we try a normal date?"

"Really?" she asked. "Are you sure you won't be bored?"

"I've… actually kinda gotten the crazy out of my system for now." Literally, in one way; I'd been back on my meds since Monday. I was already starting to feel myself evening out.

"Well… don't go getting too normal on me, Thad," she replied, grinning impishly. "There's nothing wrong with a little bit of crazy."

I grinned back. "Sheena, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship."

"Did I mention Bogart impressions are kind of a turn on for me?"

"No, but that's one heck of a lucky coincidence."

"Shaddap and kiss me. You know how to kiss, don't ya? You just put your lips together and do the opposite of blowing."  
\--  
Further down the dock, just as one couple was finding their footing, another was returning from a rather disastrous outing.

"Well, I guess we can cross 'romantic moonlit boat ride' off our romantic bucket list," Nadine remarked, wringing out her sweater.

"Not to mention 'romantic moonlit swim'," Rhonda added, brushing her wet bangs out of her eyes. "Praise the gods of fashion for waterproof mascara."

"I thought it was going pretty well until we capsized," Nadine replied hopefully.

"Mostly," Rhonda admitted. "I could've done without the twenty-minute rendition of 'Blow the Man Down'…"

"Yarr…. 'tis the only song I know," apologized Captain Earl, draining his concertina.

"Still… it's all about the company, isn't it?" Nadine prompted, smiling.

"I can't argue with that…" Rhonda agreed, pulling Nadine close for a soggy kiss.

Nadine was about to give in when she spotted something out of the corner of her eyes. "Wait, is that…?"

Captain Earl squinted. "Aye, that be me niece Sheena, but who be she with?"

Disappointed to be momentarily denied her kiss, but intrigued by the gossip potential, Rhonda turned. "Well, look at that."

"I told you Curly'd be okay," Nadine commented, giving Rhonda a playful poke in the ribs.

"Yeah, I was a little worried when he ditched me at the noodle shop so suddenly, but it looks like he's bouncing back nicely."

"Should we go say hi, or something?"

"No. Let them have their privacy."

And so, they departed, and as the full moon shined down on the new couple, the only company they had was a future filled with endless possibilities.

THE END


End file.
